


Can You Save My Bastard Soul?

by Jaxxxx



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 18yr old dan, 2009, 22yr old phil, Fluff, Gay Sex, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Masturbation, Mention of rimming, Mutual Masturbation, Phan - Freeform, Self Harm, Sex, Skype, Skype Sex, Smut, fetus phan, suicidal, suicidal!dan, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-01 10:40:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2770025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaxxxx/pseuds/Jaxxxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>2009!phan<br/>Dan is suicidal, but Phil lives hours away. They can only call, text, and Skype, so how can Phil stop Dan from doing what he craves?</p><p> </p><p>(??) SPOILER (??)<br/>later in the fic when they make a video together its not like real pinof bc in this theyre out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can You Save My Bastard Soul?

**Author's Note:**

> title from can you feel my heart by bmth (i really like how oli says this line so go listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNbZJ-IgAEg )  
> i made the youtubers that are sexual harassers the bullies because /theyre shit/.
> 
> ha the msi album i talk about is from 2013 so just ignore that this is set in 2009.

~My name is Dan Howell,and I'm 18 years old. My boyfriend is Phil Lester. I don't understand how I got so lucky. A youtuber, my dream guy, likes- no, loves me. I do not understand, but he insists that he does.  
~  
My name is Dan Howell, and I'm suicidal. On nights when I have my razor and my pills ready, Phil will call me and tell me that I don't need to do this. He'll be trying to hold back his tears, he's trying to stay strong for me, but I can always hear his voice straining on the other end. I know that when I feel bad, he feels bad, and that hurts my heart. I wish I wasn't sad. I wish I was normal like everyone else. I wish I lived closer to Phil.  
~  
My name is Dan Howell, and I'm roughly 11 hours clean from cutting. Last night, Phil had fallen asleep on Skype, and he was so cute, all cuddled up into a pillow, that I didn't dare wake him. I thought I was fine, I really did. But I felt a wave of sadness wash over me, like a punch in the gut. I don't even remember what happened, but I ended up making a few small cuts on my wrist.  
~  
My name is Dan Howell, and sometimes I wish I was dead. But Phil is always there to save me. Sometimes I feel like I'm annoying him. I feel like that a lot.

~

I got home from school with a frown on my face on dry tears on my cheeks. Jason, Sam, and Karim cornered me after school today. They pushed me into a wall, I fell on the floor and hit my head. They were calling me a faggot and telling me I should just kill myself. And the worst part is I know they're right.

Well, they're right that I should die. I'd never call myself a faggot. I'm never going to be ashamed of my sexuality. I'll be ashamed of how ugly I am, how stupid my hair is, and how much of a boring muddy color my eyes are. But never my sexuality. I refuse to be.

I remember the first person I came out to: my friend, Louise. We've been friends since high school started. I told her when I was 16, when I first knew. I wasn't really scared because I knew she supported LGBT+ rights. So when I told her, she just hugged me and told me she was proud of me for telling her. The thing is, she's my only friend, so I didn't tell anyone else for a while.

The second person I told was my little brother. At the time, he was 14 and I had just turned 17. It took me about 40 minutes of sitting in my room with my head in my hands for me to work up the courage to try to walk to his room and tell him. Thankfully, our parents weren't home, so that wasn't a risk. I was about to get up and tell him when he knocked on my door.

"Hey Dan, do you wanna ord- woah, are you okay?" He said, coming to sit beside me on my bed.  
"I'm fine," I whispered, looking up at him.  
"You look like you've been crying,"  
"I'm fine, really. I just- you know what? I'm not fine,"  
"What happened? Did a girl reject you?" He said, smiling.  
"No! That's the thing! I.. I don't like girls. I like guys, okay? I'm gay. I've been trying to tell you but I can't and- fuck!"  
"Woah, dude, slow down. You honestly think I care if you're gay? You're kinda my brother, so I'm gonna accept you,"  
By now I was crying my eyes out. I know I shouldn't be, I mean he just said he's fine with it. Suddenly a thought came to me.  
"You can't tell mom and dad," I said to him.  
"Okay,"  
And that was that.

I ended up coming out to my parents about a week later. My mom was confused for a minute, then she started crying, then she told me she was crying because she was proud. My dad was a bit different. First he was disappointed, then he asked why I wanted to live this way. I told him that I didn't decide, that I was born like this. I had to explain that I just wasn't attracted to girls, and that I just liked guys a whole lot more. I said I figured it out when I was 16. Soon, he was kind of alright with it. Key words: kind of.

Then I started talking to Phil. I watched his videos, and soon enough I started talking to him. I went from that outcast who spends all his time in his room listening to Mindless Self Indulgence to someone who was talking to his idol.

Phil and I both liked Muse and My Chemical Romance. I might have gotten him to like MSI. I sent him a link to "Hey Tomorrow, Fuck You And Your Friend Yesterday" and he really liked it.

Then I began to think I should tell him I'm gay. I didn't want to ruin what we had, but he was so perfect, he couldn't be homophobic, right? So, I texted him.

To Phil: i need to tell u smthn..

My heart jumped as I felt my phone vibrate.

From Phil: u okay? wanna skype?

Yes, yes I do. But I can't, I just know I'll start crying.

To Phil: yes pls.

What the fuck am I doing?

"Video chat Phil Lester - Accept - Decline"

I quickly clicked accept then adjusted the camera angle.

"Hey, are you okay? Is this bad news?" Phil looked worried. I could see the worry in his eyes. I immediately hated myself for making him feel like that. I gripped my hair tightly.

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Are you hurt?" He said, getting a bit closer to the computer.

"I'm okay. I'm okay, I just don't want you to hate me," I told him, pulling my sleeve over my hand.

"I won't hate you! Oh god, who did you murder?" Phil said, smiling. I didn't laugh, which made his smile fade, "Wow, okay. This is serious, huh?" I nodded, "Tell me, Bear,"

I liked when he called me that. I liked that a lot.

"Phil, I," and then I felt a physical lock of my throat. I couldn't speak if I wanted to. I felt tears fall down my cheeks. I wiped them away with the sleeves of my jumper. He whispered a soft 'It's okay' and I felt slightly better. Something about him and his voice always made me feel safe. It made me feel like nothing could hurt me. I didn't wanna lose that. I still couldn't speak, only choked out sobs. I got out my phone and opened the conversation with him. He must have gotten the idea, because he took out his phone and watched.

'im gay.' 

Breathe in. 

Breathe out. 

Send.

Smile.

A second later, I heard the buzzing of his phone. I watched his face as he read it. He looked a little surprised, but not in a bad way. He looked at me and smiled.

"Did you really think I'd hate you? You're so cute when you're scared," Phil said, pushing his hair out of his eyes. I started to laugh. I'm laughing. I'm smiling. I'm happy.

"I don't know. I'm sorry, I mean I didn't think you'd be a dick about it but like, you never know, right?" I said, my body no longer being so tense. 

"True, unfortunately. But really, I think you're sweet, I wouldn't hate you no matter what," He whispered the last part. I swear, I was blushing. Hell, I knew I was.  
"And by the way," My ears perked up as I heard him say that, "I'm gay, too,"

My eyes went wide. He laughed, poking his tongue out of the side of his teeth. God, I love when he does that.

"What?" He asked.  
"N-Nothing! I mean, you are? Really? You're not just saying that to make me feel better?"  
"No! Dan, why would I do that?"  
"I don't know.."  
"One more thing?"  
"Hm?"  
"I think you're kind of cute.."

Excuse me? Sorry, I'm dying a little inside.

"I swear to fucking God if you're joking-"  
"I'm not joking!" He laughs, "I think you're really cute and funny and I thought you were straight so I wasn't going to tell you. I mean, I know you being gay doesn't mean you like me back, but at least you like guys, and like-"  
"Phil!" I smiled, stopping his rambling. He smiles and looks down.  
"Sorry," He looks up, "Can you please tell me if you like me back or not because I think if I don't find out within the next 10 seconds I'm going to explode,"  
"Well, I don't know, maybe I'm not gay.." I say sarcastically. He makes a noise.  
"Did you hear that? That was me exploding. If you don't like me please just say it so we can move on,"  
"Oh my god, Phil, of course I like you back. Your eyes are kind of irresistible.." He blushes.  
"Okay, thank God. You did not have to make me wait that long! I hate you now,"  
"You love me,"  
"I know."

~

I don't know what we are. Are we boyfriends? Are we still just friends? I don't understand. Would it even work? He's so far away. But we're both adults (sorta) so I'm sure we could see each other. If I get a job. If he gets a job. Well, shit.

I should ask him what we are. It's kinda killing me inside.

~

He told me he'd like me to be his boyfriend. I told him I'd like to be his boyfriend.

He told me he'd like to kiss me. I told him I'd like him to kiss me.

He told me he'd like to pull me into his lap and cuddle. I told him I'd like him to pull me into his lap and cuddle.

He told me he'd like to hold me as I fall asleep. I told him I'd like him to hold me as I fall asleep.

He told me he loves me. I told him I love him.

And not a single word was a lie.

~

We skyped daily from then on, and I stopped cutting.  
For two weeks.

One night, Phil was with his family, so we couldn't skype until late at night.

I cut all along my wrist. Vertical, horizontal, diagonal. Up, down, left, right, criss-cross. All the way up to my elbow on my right arm, about halfway up on my left. I couldn't help it. The blood looked so God damn pretty flowing out of my arm and onto the bathroom floor. I was pretty. In that moment, I was beautiful. In that moment, I was perfect. I. Was. Okay.

And then Phil called me.

"H-Hello?" I said, phone on speaker as I tried to clean up the blood.  
"Hey Dan, I'm on my way home, do you wanna skype in a little bit?" I could here the smile in his voice.  
"Um.. In like five minutes?"  
"Sure! See you then,"  
"See you,"  
End call.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck.." I mutter under my breath as I throw a jacket on, despite it being really hot.  
"This is gonna bleed through.." I whisper to myself. But I don't have time to clean them properly. I can't do this right now. I'm crying, I'm crying and I can't stop.

"Phil Lester - Video call - Accept - Decline"

I click accept, shakily. I wipe my eyes quickly hoping that Phil won't be able to tell I've been crying. I know he will, but I guess it's worth a try.

"Hi!" Phil says happily.  
"Hey," I wave, my sleeves going over my palms. I force a smile.  
"You okay? You look like you've been crying," His smile fades, he looks concerned.  
"I'm fine, I'm not crying!" I say a little too quick. I wipe my eyes again.  
"Dan.. What's wrong?"  
"Nothing! It's fine, I'm fine, I'm not crying."  
"Okay.. okay, how was your day?" I can't lie to him. I don't like this.  
"K-Karim, Jason, and Sam were telling me to kill myself.. the usual, they pushed me against a locker and banged my head into it. I'm okay though. It doesn't hurt anymore."  
"Dan.."  
Fuck it. 

"I'm not okay, Phil. I'm not okay" Tears start streaming down my face, I don't bother to wipe them away, I have nothing to hide.  
"Bear.. Shh, it's okay. Dan, I love you, okay? You know that. I'll always be here for you. God, I wish I could be there to hold you right now. I wish you could cry into my shoulder. I'm so sorry,"  
I'm listening, he's making me feel better, but I'm still crying. It's too hot in here, I'm sweating. My face is wet with tears and sweat. I can't do this anymore.  
"Phil, I'm about to do something, and I.. I don't want you to freak out, okay?"  
What the fuck? Why the hell am I doing this?  
"Okay.. Are you okay? What's happening?" He looks so worried. I look so worried. I am so worried.  
I take off my jacket. I don't show him my arms, straight to the camera, but I'm sure he got a good look. I hide my face in my palms.  
"D-Dan.." I can hear him getting choked up. I hate this. I hate this.  
"I'm so sorry. I'm so f-fucking sorry," It's too hot in here, it's too hot. I wipe my face off with my jacket.  
"Dan, no, I.. it's okay. It's okay. I just, I don't know what to say. I'm not mad. I'm sad that you're doing this to yourself, but I," He wipes a tear away, "Can I.. can I see again, please?"  
I nod, sticking my arms out straight, turning my head away.

"Dan.. I'm so sorry. I should've known, or helped, or asked or something, fuck, I'm so sorry."  
"Phil, stop. This is not your fault on any level. I love you so much and you're the reason I haven't been doing it. I hadn't done it for two weeks but something happened, I don't know what, I'm so sorry,"  
"It's okay. It's okay. Please don't be sorry. It's okay. I love you no matter what. As cheesy as it sounds, I'd like to kiss your cuts."  
We laugh together, because yeah, it sounds terribly cliche.

~

From Phil: congrats on 300 followers on dailybooth!  
To Phil: thanks xx. like the pic i put up? ;) ha  
From Phil: totally. ;)

See, I have a thing on dailybooth, every 100 followers, I post a nude. Well, you can't see anything, it's always covered. So it's just a fun little thing.

From Phil: it was kinda hot  
I smirked.  
To Phil: was it now?  
From Phil: yeah..  
To Phil: what makes u say that? ;)

I'm putting too many winky faces and I know it, but this is fun.

From Phil: bc youre really attractive and sexy and you weren't wearing clothes i mean what isn't hot abt that? pls do tell if thats not hot bc tbh i dont see how its not.  
To Phil: omg u totally jacked off to my pics! ur creepy. :)

Smiley face, that's good.

From Phil: omg i didnt! i swear. i wouldnt do that unless i knew u were okay with that. im not a creep. xx  
To Phil: suuuure

"Incoming call - Phil Lester <3"

"Hey," I answer.  
"I totally didn't and you know it," I could here him smiling.  
"Yeah, okay, whatever floats your goat."  
"Goat?" he laughs.  
"Goat."  
"In all seriousness, I didn't. I mean, I admit you're completely sexy and I don't understand how I've restrained myself this long, but I wouldn't do that,"  
"Why not?"  
"Because I know you and you're my boyfriend and it'd be kinda weird to masturbate to a picture of you when I could just have the real you in the future?" He says this like it's the most obvious thing.

"In the future?" I'm smiling again.  
"Well- I mean- If you're okay with that.. we totally don't need to do anything anytime soon or at all if you don't want to. I wouldn't do anything that you didn't want me to do."  
"Aw, you're so sweet. All consent-y. It's adorable."  
"I'm blushing, stop."  
"Okay, okay. So, the future? That means you like me quite a lot, if you're planning on waiting for my 'okay' to bang me." I laugh.  
"Well, obviously! I love you, so of course. Wait- for me to bang you? Awwww Dan's a bottom!" He's laughing, and he's stupid (and cute).  
"Hey! I would slap you right now if I could."  
"I'm sorry, that's just really cute. Like, you unintentionally just outed yourself as a bottom. I always kinda knew though,"  
"What the hell does that mean?"  
"You're a twink."  
"Am not! You are!" I knew that was a lie.  
"You're funny. I have chest hair and I shave. Nice try, though."

I paused.  
"..Shave what?" I hear Phil practically choke on air.  
"Oh my God, my face, you pervert!"  
"Okay, so you don't shave there, then?" I smirked.  
"I- I didn't say tha- Dan what the hell?"  
"Skype me now because I know you're blushing really hard and I bet it's cute."  
I hang up, and call him on Skype.

I see his face pop up on my laptop, and sure enough, he's blushing.  
"Aw, that's so cute!" I say, putting my hands over my mouth.  
"No it's not! You're embarrassing me. I don't understand how you're getting me to say this. You should be a cop."  
"Nah, You have to be tough and assertive to be a cop, and according to you, I'm a twink."  
"True. You are a twink. But it's okay. In like four years you'll look manlier and I won't call you a twink." He giggles.  
"You think I'm gonna look like a twink until I'm 22? Until I'm your age? Really?" Shit, like what if?  
"Well you'll be cute when you're my age either way."  
"Stop, I'm blushing." I cover my face with my hands, "Phil.. does the age difference ever bother you?"  
He looked at me for a second, thinking.  
"I don't think it ever has. I mean it's not like you're 18 and I'm 36. I'm not double your age." He laughs.  
"Yeah I know but like, I'm not even old enough to drink in America."  
"Well we're not in America, so who cares?"  
"True,"

"But it feels like I'm so much younger." I tell him, "I'm practically a child, I'm only 18. There are so many things I can't do."  
"You can do anything I can do, if not more."  
And I smiled. And he smiled.  
We smiled.

~

"So are you like.. a virgin?" I ask shyly into my phone.  
"Virginity isn't even a real thing. It's a thing created by people to make others feel bad about having sex. But no, I haven't had sex with anyone."  
"Well that was deep and eye-opening." I roll my eyes sarcastically.  
"What about you?"  
"I'm a virgin," I say, I don't know why, but I feel embarrassed. I shouldn't, I mean Phil is older than me and he's a virgin, too.  
Phil hums in response.  
"What?" I ask him.  
"Nothing. I think it's kinda romantic that we'll be each other's firsts, don't you?"  
"I guess it will be," I say, grinning into my pillow as I roll over in bed.  
"I think it's cute. You're all innocent and sweet," Phil chuckles.  
"Hey! It's not like I've never wanked before.." I whisper the last few words, blushing. Why am I telling him this?  
"Figured. You're pretty dirty minded for a virgin," He laughs.  
"I'm not that bad!"  
"Okay, whatever you say."  
"We should do a sexual never have I ever," I say, half joking.  
"Totally should. We should do it without the 'hold up 10 fingers' part because that's no fun, this way we can ask as many questions as we want." Well, I guess we're doing this.  
"Okay.. start easy. You start,"  
"Never have I ever jacked off?"  
"Boring, Phil, boring. Next."  
"Hm.. given someone a handjob?"  
"I haven't, have you?" He probably has. I'm so lame. Ugh, this was a bad idea.  
"Yeah. Blowjob?"  
"No.. You? I'm sorry, I'm so inexperienced."  
"I have. And it doesn't matter. But you're gonna be the first person I go all the way with.." good point, "Have you ever fingered yourself?"  
I think I just choked on my own tongue. Phil must have heard the noise I made, because I head him laugh on the other end.  
"Aw, did it really make you that uncomfortable to hear me say that?"  
"N-Not really.. Well, I just.. I never really thought about it. I mean I know in order to have sex I'm gonna need to do it. But-"  
"Typically what happens is I would do it for you, but go on,"  
"O-Okay.. I just haven't thought about doing it."  
  
"Are you thinking about it now?"  
"I mean yes, now I am. But I'm afraid. I know it's supposed to feel really good but I also know I'll mess up and end up just being in pain," Okay, all of my blood is in my face. Well, maybe not all of it.  
  
Suddenly my mum walks in. I need a lock on my door.  
"Dan, it's midnight, you should go to sleep."  
"Okay,"  
She closes the door on her way out.  
  
"My mom wants me to go to bed, so how about we continue this conversation over text?"  
"Sounds good,"  
End call.  
  
To Phil: so where were we?  
From Phil: You think youre gonna hurt yourself if you finger yourself?  
To Phil: Great, thanks, I'm blushing again.  
From Phil: how cute  
To Phil: shut up. i have a low pain tolerance so im scared, okay?  
From Phil: Well then I'll be sure to be careful ;)  
To Phil: you better.  
From Phil: i will be. id never wanna hurt you. u know if im ever going too far with talking about sex this much u can let me know right?  
  
What a sweetheart.  
  
To Phil: id tell u if u were going too far, dont worry. but ur not going too far rn.  
From Phil: thats all i ask. i dont wanna make u uncomfortable. I dont wanna rush you into anything u know?  
To Phil: its okay ur not rushing me into anything. i want to do this. i like talking to you about this. i cant talk to anyone else about it.  
From Phil: im glad you feel comfortable talking to me about it. :)  
To Phil: so can i like.. ask a question?  
  
Fingers crossed.  
  
From Phil: of course  
To Phil: do u have any like um kinks  
  
Why am I asking? Back out now, Dan.  
From Phil: not really. i mean i think moaning is hot but i think most people think that? i mean im not into blindfolds or handcuffs or anything extreme, are you?  
To Phil: no not really. my neck is kinda like a g-spot tho. ha. i hate when people touch my neck but i feel like if it was in sexual context it would be really nice. and hickeys. something about you just leaving marks on me sounds really hot. also ill remember to moan then. ;)  
From Phil: id love to do that. mark your neck, everyone will know youre mine. id love to kiss you all over..  
  
I'm not getting hard.  
Totally not.  
This isn't turning me on.  
Yes it is. Fuck, Dan, get it together! I can't get turned on by just Phil saying what he'd do to me. Do I tell him? Ah, screw it.  
  
To Phil: stop youre turning me on  
From Phil: am i? ;)  
To Phil: either stop or keep going dont be a tease..  
From Phil: I dont know.. this could be fun.  
To Phil: I hate you.  
From Phil: Oh? so that means you dont want me to grind into you as I suck and bite at your neck?  
To Phil: fuck. are u touching yourself?  
From Phil: maybe  
To Phil: do u want to skype..  
From Phil: i thought you were supposed to be asleep?  
To Phil: Im not going to sleep with a raging boner, are you? im skyping you NOW.  
  
Soon enough, he pops up on my screen, wearing just a t-shirt and underwear, while I'm wearing the same, plus sweatpants. He has his hand draped over his crotch and- fuck he's sexy.  
"Are you sure you want to do this, Bear?" Phil asks, moving his hand away so I can see the outline of his cock in his boxers.  
"Fuck- yeah. I wanna do this. I wish you were here.." I say, palming myself through my pants.  
"Okay, if you're sure. Can I take my shirt off?" Phil asks. He really cares about what's best for me, doesn't he? He wants to make sure I'm okay.  
"Please," I whisper. He pulls his shirt over his head and shit, I wish that body was hovering over me, pounding into me, "Phil, I'm gonna give you a heads-up, okay? I'm gonna end up taking off my clothes, and I have scars on my stomach and thighs. Do you still wanna do this, or is that a turn off?" I'm nervous about what he'll say next.  
"Dan it's okay, I think you're beautiful. Every scar, bruise, and flaw." And I don't understand how he's resisting touching himself, he looks so turned on, he must have a lot of self control. But he smiles at me and nods. So I take off my shirt, revealing a couple of small faded white lines near my hips.  
"You can keep going if you want to. I won't be turned off." He says in a loving tone.  
I nod, and take off my pants, leaving us both in the same amount of clothing.

"Are you nervous?" He asks me.  
"Kind of. I want to do this with you, but I'm scared I won't be good enough," I tell him, trying to resist touching myself too much.  
"It'll be okay. If you wanna stop, you can let me know, okay?" He says.  
"Okay.." I mumble, "I don't know how to start this.."  
"Just do what you would do if I wasn't here,"  
Okay, I can do that. I slide my hand under my boxer-briefs, then stop.  
"Do I- um- take these off?" I ask quietly, holding my waistband.  
"I was planning on taking mine off- if that's okay- but if you feel more comfortable keeping them on, that's completely fine," Phil assures me, tugging at the band of his boxers.  
"Okay. You can take off yours if you want to," I take them off, I don't feel scared, but I don't feel confident.  
As soon as mine are off, so are his. And, Jesus, he's beautiful. Every aspect of him is perfect. I wish I could kiss him. I want to touch him. I want to be with him. I want to make him feel good. I should tell him that. That's supposed to turn him on, right?  
"I wish I was there with you. I wish I could suck you off," I whisper, stroking my cock slowly. I hear his breathe hitch as he grips himself at the base. I must be doing something right, so I continue, "I want you to stretch me open and leave love bites on my neck,"  
I hear him mumble a quiet 'fuck' as he thumbs over his slit. He picks up speed, and so do I.  
"I want you to be here so I can suck and bite at your neck. I want to- Jesus- I want to make you cum. I want to make you moan. I want to be responsible for that. I want you to feel good. I want to make you see stars from cumming so hard," He breathes. And fuck, he's good at dirty talk.

I want him to do all of that to me. I want him to fuck me.  
I'm a moaning mess, and he likes it. We're just staring, stroking, and watching for a while,  
Until I finally say "I want you to fuck me. I want you to make me a moaning whimpering mess until I'm crying from pleasure. I want you."  
He lets out a low groan, I follow with a high pitched sound from the back of my throat.  
"Dan- shit- I'm close,"  
"M-Me too," I breathe out. No more than two minutes later, I'm moaning his name and cumming onto my hand and stomach. He yells my name and does the same.

As we come down from our highs, we clean ourselves up and pant and smile at each other.  
"I wish I could cuddle you now. Cuddles are always good after sex," Phil tells me. I nod and yawn, setting my laptop on its side so I can lay down, but he can still see me.  
"Aw, you're all tuckered out, aren't you?" I would protest and ask him who says 'tuckered out' anymore, but it's true, I'm sleepy. So, I just nod and try to keep my eyes open.  
"Hey, you were really great. I can't wait until we're together for real and I can make you feel even better. And as cute as you look right now, I think I should let you sleep. Goodnight, Dan. I love you."  
"I love you, Phil."  
We hang up, I close my laptop and put it on my desk, then close my eyes.  
What an amazing night.

~

The next weekend, I count every cent I have, wondering if it's enough to see him.  
I think part of me died when I realized I had enough.  
I call Phil immediately. He tells me that his parents won't be in town in two weeks, so I should come then. We spend the rest of the phone call talking about how happy we are that this is finally happening, and then discuss the things we'll do when I get there. Only some of it was sexual.

~

When I first got off the train I was crying. I wasn't making noises, but there were tears silently sliding down my cheeks. And then I saw him. I hugged him as tight as I could. Now, I was actually crying. Sobbing and mumbling 'I love you' into his shoulder. He held me there for what seemed like hours. I never wanted that moment to end.

But it did and after we got tired of walking around the city, we walked back to his house. After he showed me where everything was, we went to his room.

"It's weird finally being here,"  
"Good weird?"  
"Good weird."

And now here I am, laying in his arms. My head is resting on his chest with one of my legs swung over his waist. He has his arms wrapped around me, and his head on mine.  
"Are you okay sleeping in my bed or..?" He asks, suddenly becoming aware that he didn't set up anywhere else I could sleep.  
"Yeah, I'd like to, actually," I smile, looking up at him.  
"I'd like you to, too," Phil says, leaning down to kiss me. I kiss him, and God, it's all I thought it would be.  
"I still can't believe I'm actually here,"  
"I'm glad you're here, though. I mean, we can do whatever we want. My parents will be gone the whole week," He sits up, pulling me with him.  
"What were you planning on?" I smirk.  
"Anything you want to do. What's something you've always wanted to do?"  
"Hmm.. I don't know."  
"We could just hang out, kiss, cuddle, listen to music.." Then he kisses me.  
"Could we make a YouTube video..?" I ask, reaching for his hand.  
"Totally." He grabs my hand, and asks what he wants it to be about.  
"Just get some questions from Twitter and we can answer them?"  
"Sounds good,"

About two hours later, we're making the video.

"Hey guys! So I asked you to ask me and Dan some questions on twitter, so here we are to answer them." He holds my hand as I stare at the camera.  
"These questions are all sexual.." Phil laughs.  
"Here's one- Can you kiss for us?" I lean over and kiss him on the cheek, "I hope that was all your hopes and dreams come true,"  
"Okay here- Pull the cutest face you can. Shouldn't be hard for you, now should it?"  
I pull my sleeves over my hands and put them up to my cheeks. I smile widely and close my eyes.  
"Hang on, think my insides exploded." He says before bringing my hand back down so he can hold it again.  
"Who tops?" I read, and shit I should've read it in my head first.  
"Me but we're cutting that out," He laughs.

~

Soon, the video is done, edited, and uploaded.  
I'm sitting beside Phil, reading the comments.  
"Dan, if you wanna sit here refreshing the page then I'm fine with that, but there are gonna be some hate messages." He tells me, pulling me into his lap.  
"It's okay, I can handle it." I hope, at least.

~

I can't handle it. There weren't many hate comments. Not a lot. Maybe about ten. But that's all it takes to set me off. I can't believe how weak I am. And I don't have my razors, either. I promised Phil I wouldn't bring them. But he promised me I wouldn't need them. I do need them. I need them now. I'm right beside him. I wonder if he can see the worry on my face. I wonder if he's worried about me. I wonder if I should tell him I feel like cutting. I wonder.

"Phil?" I whisper.  
"Yeah?"  
"Can we- Can I- I just don't feel right. Can we lay down?"  
"Of course," He says, gently grabbing my arm as we lay facing each other, "Is something wrong?"  
"You were right." I whisper.  
"About what?" He whispers back.  
"I can't handle the hate Phil. And they were mean to you too, and that pisses me off even more. I want to cut." I tell him, failing at fighting the urge to cry.  
"Oh my God, Dan, I'm so sorry. They don't even know you. I know you, and I know you're the best, most fantastic person that I have ever met. You're so cute and cuddly it makes my heart melt. You're really beautiful, even though I know you won't believe me. I know it was hard for you to open up to me but I'm proud you did. I'm proud that you try really hard not to relapse and when you do, I still love you because I know you tried so hard. Your scars don't scare me away like you thought they would," He runs his thumb over my wrist, "All of you is beautiful, including your scars." He kisses me, and I move myself so I'm in his arms, crying into the crook of his neck.

"I love you- so much," I murmur into his shirt.  
"I love you, too, Bear," He says, kissing my head.

~

The next night, we had sex. He was honest with me, the first thing he told me was that it was going to hurt for most of the time, but it would feel good eventually. He told me that if it got to be too much, I could tell him to stop and we could just cuddle. He told me all I had to say was stop, and he would.  
I'll admit, it hurt for the first twenty/thirty minutes. He had to take a lot of time stretching me because it was my first time. He had two fingers in me for a long time before I told him he could add another. I gasped because it was a real stretch, it hurt. He asked if I wanted to stop. I said no. He told me that it was okay if I wanted to, and that he would be completely fine with just cuddling. But I wanted him to keep going. I eased up to the feeling, and soon I was enjoying myself. And he hit something that made my back arch. I told him to do that again, and he did. He leaned up and kissed me while he did, so I was moaning into his mouth. He took out his fingers, and wiped what was left of the lube on them onto his sheets.

He opened the lube again and put a lot of it on his cock. I whimpered because I was just starting to feel amazing, and he took out his fingers. He told me that this was going to feel a lot different, and that it would be more of a stretch. He reminded me that it would be okay if I wanted to stop. He slowly pushed himself in until he was in all the way. He waited for me to say it was okay to move. He leaned down to kiss me and tell me I was doing great. A minute later I let out a deep breathe and told him he could move. He started slowly, then picked up to a steady pace when I told him he could. I was moaning and whimpering as he pounded into me while occasionally leaning down and sucking at my neck.

He hit that spot again, and I was screaming his name. I told him I was close, and he told me the same. He moved his hand along my cock, telling me I could cum when I wanted. One, Two, Three more thrusts and I was cumming onto his hand and both of our chests. One more thrust and he was cumming, too. He screamed my name like I screamed his. Long and drawn out, breathlessly. He pulled out and laid next to me. After we came down from our highs, we cleaned ourselves up with the tissues he had beside his bed. Or rather, we cleaned off our chests and he licked his hand. I scrunched my nose and said 'doesn't that taste bad?' He chuckled and shook his head.

We fell asleep like that. Wrapped in each other's arms. And I wouldn't want to be any other way. He told me he loves me, and I told him I love him.  
That's how I wanted it to be forever. I wanted to be in his arms. I wanted him to save me. I wanted him to call me his. I wished for that every time an eyelash fell out, every 11:11, and every chance I got.

I got my wish.

**Author's Note:**

> tysm for reading my tumblr is thephanboy.tumblr.com and my twitter is thatphanboy


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